This was the topic of the Concord Fellowship meeting this morning. After the great chair, I didn't really have anything of interest to say on topic so I kept quiet for most the meeting and did something unusual for me: I listened. Normally what I'd do is not listen and try to think of something interesting to say on topic. And if those potential shares bore even me, I usually don't grace others with my boring share. This morning I bored myself with ego-based, ego-building thoughts of all the great albeit obsessive things I do as a part of my program....lots of meetings, reading, meditation, sponsoring, blah, blah, blah. It bored me so quickly and completely that I stopped and listened to what others were saying.
And then someone said something that got me to thinking about another less ego-based way to assess how I was working my program: have them ask my wife of 26+ years 'how is Mike working his program?'. THAT would give a valuable and in some ways more truthful perspective on how my program is really working!
I remembered back to when I was about 18 months sober and I was feeling a little stuck in the process of the steps. I had then inner sense that I was done with the third step but didn't have either the sufficient amount of pain or desire for more happiness to motivate me enough to begin the 4th/5th step process...
Anyways, I was sitting in my living room 18 months sober talking with my youngest daughter (who for various reasons has adopted the role of my personal Protector when anyone dares to hurt her dad) and my wife (who's never deemed the need to take on that particular role!). I can't remember the context of what happened, but at one point my wife said something to my daughter to the effect that 'Well, Dad's just a drunk...'. Now, she didn't mean that to sound as mean as it might out context, but daughter The Protector shot back that 'Mom! Dad's a recovering alcoholic! He's been sober for almost 2 years!'. My wife/her mom just looked over to me and said, 'I know that....but when's he going to change?'
Ouch.
Now that also was not as mean as it might sound out of context. But it hit me square in the middle of my gut. She was right. I had been not drinking and/or sober for 18 months, but bottomline, I hadn't really changed much of my day-to-day behavior during that time. I hate it when she's right! I hadn't taken my program "on the road" as someone once said in a meeting....
While I didn't say much to my wife and daughter that day (didn't need to: my Protector was doing for me what I couldn't and shouldn't do for myself!) I did make the commitment at that time to jump start my step work and begin my 4th step in earnest.
So now several years later after having had all of the steps worked---or rather, having been thoroughly been worked by the steps---how would my wife respond to this topic?
Well, if we'd asked her a week ago she would have given a glowing report that would do my ego proud! Our marriage is the best it's ever been, our children have all moved out of the house (the last to go was my son Pat...who left home in February 2007, picked up his 6 year clean chip in May 2007--I picked up my 6 year sober chip 5 months later-- and then this same son turned 22 years old in June 2007), we're enjoying our life together, blah, blah, blah.
BUT that was last week and this morning in the meeting it dawned on me that two things happened in the last week that resulted in my wife feeling disconnected from me and, most importantly, I know I had a part in that reality.
This morning I shared this story at group level and shared with my friends that my program IS working because I'm continuing to do what has worked so far and every once and awhile someone will say or do something which leads me to see myself more clearly and honestly. When that happens, when someone intentionally or not pulls my covers, I understand that I have work to do---and in this case that means figuring out some way(s) of making right what's happened this week as a result of my actions and talking to my wife about some things I'd previously swept under the rug. It is working....
Mike L.
1 comment:
About 10 years ago I heard someone chair a meeting and use the steps as an outline for his entire share. The group at that meeting reacted as positively as those who attended the Friday Concord meeting.
It is particularly refreshing to people who have had some time in the program; but newcomers benefit because they are given an example that makes the process less intimidating.
The part I identified with the most was the "Living Amends" part. As thoroughly as my original sponser made me do the 4th/5th/9th steps, there is no way I could have fully comprehended at that time what I was like and how it was when I drank.
Over time, I have been enlightened by seeing real-life examples of alcoholism's impact on people I know or hearing the stories of recovering alcoholics in A.A. When I completed my 4th step in my first year of sobriety, I knew I needed to make amends for certain events which I was able to recall at that time, but I had a sense that more was needed than one face-to-face encounter. I knew then that the amends would have to be a long committment of changed behaviour that would allow healing to take place.
Now, when I see or hear real-life examples of family abandonment and abuse, I become more aware of what I was like, and more aware of my impact on others, particularly on my wife and children. My living amends gains renewed meaning and purpose, and I stay right-sized. In those moments, I experience a feeling which is more like an appreciation as opposed to a regret. I have a problem with my perception. It doesn't hurt my feelings (maybe at first, sometimes) when someone helps me see something more clearly. I am grateful to have a daily opportunity for illumination.
Post a Comment