Anthropomorphizing Alcohol/Alcoholism

"Remember that we deal with alcohol: cunning, baffling, powerful."

"I've been sober for "x" years, but I know that the disease is out there waiting for me to let down my guard. If I do, it will come at me with a vengeance..."

"My alcoholism is still in me....waiting. Lying in wait."

"My alcoholism is still there in me, even when I'm sober: it's like a sleeping tiger. One drink and the tiger will wake up and take back everything that I've gained during my sobriety."

"We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol."

All of these are just a few examples of how we often "anthropomorphize" --ascribe human qualities or characteristics to inanimate objects or other things that are not human -- the chemical "alcohol" and the disease of alcoholism. While I've nodded my head in apparent agreement with those who do this, I truly wonder if it's really helpful to portray alcohol or alcoholism as things they are not. In fact, I am beginning to think that such fantasy can actually become quite dangerous for the recovering alcoholic.

I say that because I think that the end result is that we ultimately begin to think, consciously or not, that our problem is "out there" or "not us." We mistakenly think that our recovery needs to be defensive in nature as though there's something out there that has the ability to trick us into taking a first drink or use some other mind-altering drug. That there's something in us that's really not part of "us" that has somehow invaded our body and who's there whether we consent to it being there or not. Something "foreign." All this leads us to expending large amounts of energy building up our defenses and other walls to this supposed outside problem.

And when do that, we ignore the fact that part of the essence of who we are is "alcoholic" --- there's nothing, not even alcohol itself, that can attack us or get us drunk.

Alcohol itself is not cunning, baffling or powerful. It's a fluid with certain physical characteristics. It doesn't smile, wink or smirk at us from behind the bar, the bottle or the glass. What's cunning, baffling and powerful is our mind which can look at alcohol or other drugs (or anything else "out there") and can see something that can fix our inside problems. That's what's cunning, baffling, powerful! Our mind. Our body. Our memory (or lack thereof).

Alcohol didn't "stop doing something" to or with me on October 20, 2001. What happened on that morning is I had a moment of clarity where, for the first time in my life, I understood that I simply couldn't stop drinking and the reason for that was the fact that I was an alcoholic. That understanding gave me a clear understanding, albeit brief and fleeting and shallow, of my entire life up to that point: everything thing I had done in terms of my drinking and my attempts to control it and use it --- all without becoming an alcoholic like my dad --- became perfectly clear to me. Ahhhh, that's why I did that! And that! And that! etc.

The only thing that alcohol was "doing" in my body at that moment of time the morning of October 20th was continue to dissipate. The physical chemicals making up alcohol continued to dissipate over the next few days, maybe weeks. They went away naturally because they are not me. For me, they are a type of poison or allergen. If I don't put them in me, I'm not bothered by them. From that point on, my struggles in recovery haven't been with the chemical alcohol, they've been with my thinking, my habits, my memories, my feelings, my character, etc. My struggles have been in and with "me!"

When I admitted that I was powerless over alcohol, for me, it wasn't a powerlessness over something "out there." Alcohol can't attack or rape me or make me drink. It's an inanimate object. It doesn't have life or the capabilities of living beings. My powerlessness is that I can't change my reaction to alcohol once it's in my body. My body is allergic to alcohol and once it's in me, I start having an allergic reaction. I start thinking that I can control how much and when I will drink. I start thinking that I will be able to stop when I'm ready. I start thinking that I can get sober tomorrow, or even better, the day/week/month/year/decade after. I start thinking that I will able to get sober before I die. Once I start, I don't seem to have the ability to choose when or where I'm going to stop.

I heard once that we alcoholics, maybe like all human beings, have a tendency to want to find outside solutions to inside problems. What I've been learning during the last 7+ years of recovery is that the solutions to my inside "problems" are to be found within. There's no threat out there that I need to be concerned about. I need to look within. And the paradoxical truth, for me, is that the only way I can find the solution within, is to reconnect also with those who are without: others. Other people. Other alcoholics, drunk, dry or sober. Maybe even an "other" that's beyond all understanding.

Take care!

Mike L.