Humility happens during those brief moments when we become willing to learn, when we are open to the truth about who we are. Humiliation is when our truth is prematurely disclosed to us in front of others.
A friend of mine in the program came up to me before a meeting last week and asked if he could talk to me outside for a minute. He is a little over a year sober and he had a problem and didn't know what to do. For some reason, he thought I was someone who, in addition to his sponsor, might have some good counsel. He'd heard me chair for the first time a couple of weeks ago and he told the group that he'd heard me talk in meetings before but had never heard my story. After hearing my story, he shared, in front of God and everyone, that if he ever needed a new sponsor, I would be on the short list. I was deeply honored. And to be honest, a little embarrassed.
Anyway, his problem was involving someone he considers a friend in recovery: apparently, this other person has been doing some things in meetings that my friend is finding very troubling. I'm not going to go into the details here as some people who read this blog know me and my meetings. There's a thousand ways to trample on other people's privacy. I know, I think I've trampled in at least 999 ways....unwittingly. But an unwitting trample is just as harmful as a witting one.
After listening to the basics of this problematic situation, I had several ideas for how he could proceed: First, he might want to talk about this with his sponsor before doing anything. He might want to try taking the time to think/pray about this. [This problem has some urgency in that it appears the friend he's dealing with is "escalating" in their problematic behaviors...and it seems to me that if something isn't done relatively soon, that friend might very well drink or worse.]
In addition, I suggested that I were in his shoes, I would first want to look into myself to see where this type of behavior (stealing) exists and has existed in his own life. How is/has he dealt with his own dishonesty?
Ultimately, he should ponder: What can I do that would be helpful to this other person? What responsibilities do I have to the people being harmed by this behavior?
He could ask to talk to this person and tell her that he was concerned about her and wanted to know if she was ok. And then, if it felt right, to tell her what he'd seen. The main thing, in my view, was to try and be as kind as possible. Do this without judgment. Whatever's going on, I subscribe to the belief that "we did then what we knew how to do, when we knew better--we did better". Obviously then, she's in a situation in her life where the only thing she knows how to do is take what she's taking/stealing. There's no need to create shame or guilt in her---trust me, it's already there in spades.
The meeting was then beginning, so I told him that I still wanted to think about this and get back to him. I thought it was a difficult position for him to be in with only a year sober. He then decided to tell me who it was that he was talking about and the floor went out from under me. The person he was talking about was a close friend of mine in the program. I was absolutely shocked. I went into the meeting stunned and my mind was reeling. I didn't hear much of the chair (I'd heard this guy's story many times...) --- but as my mind wandered, all sorts of things started to fall into place and the reality of this situation started "ringing true." All sorts of little things started connecting together in my mind, all indicating that this friend was in serious trouble emotionally and that if something isn't done soon, it could easily take a severe turn for the worse.
During the meeting, I did share on the topic of Humility and the distinction I've learned in these rooms between Humility and Humiliation. That humility is a moment when you're willing to learn truth and that humiliation is where truth is prematurely disclosed to you...in front of God and everyone. I shared that I was presented with a very challenging problem just before the meeting and that I was feeling very very humbled by this problem: I simply did not really know what to do. And I was afraid of causing harm to another person I loved. And that I was equally afraid that were I to do nothing, the same or worse harm would come to that same person. And then I shared with them that this is such a difficult problem, I might just break down and actually talk about this with my sponsors. They laughed. They know me.
For the last several days, I've continued to ponder about this problem. Have talked to a few close friends in the program and am going to see my sponsor shortly... I even talked about this situation with my son on the day he completed 8 years clean. He was very helpful. He's a tremendously kind person and very serious about his program.
This morning, as I was driving to work, I imagined several scenarios for my talking with this friend. The scenario that felt most right was to sit her down for a serious talk where we won't be interrupted and we have some privacy (a public park...). I want to tell her that I've been hearing some things being said about her, from people I trust and respect. That I'm very concerned about her and want to convey one thing to her right now: I love her with all my heart and soul. Not in any bullshit romantic/sexual way, but as a fellow human being in recovery. And that this love is such that there is NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that she could ever do or say that would lessen or harm or extinguish that love. I have absolute trust and confidence that she is doing the best she can in the circumstances in which she finds herself...and that if she knew of better things to do, she'd do them. I know from my own past and present that there are times when I do things that break some or all of my moral codes and my sense of right and wrong --- I do them oftentimes out of fear and hopelessness and despair. And often, there are some behaviors which seem to get worse and worse through a never ending series of bad actions followed by guilt/remorse/shame, followed by the very same (or worse) bad actions, followed by guilt/remorse/shame, etc. etc. etc.
And depending on her reaction, I might just very well end it there and tell her that if she ever wants to talk about anything that's troubling her, I'd be willing to listen. I don't really think I need to go into the details of what people are saying, that's really none of her or my business. But if she pushes on that issue, I might very well disclose the basic concerns people are having and what they think they've seen her doing...
That seems right to me now. I'll run it by one of my sponsors (maybe even all three! I really wish Earle was here so I could get his take on this!) before doing anything.
Take care!
Mike
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2 comments:
Nice work Mike. I'm a substance abuse counselor (in recovery myself), and needed a way to explain the difference between humility and humiliation to a client. Thanks for your help and Happy New Year.
The humiliated person feels that they are in a completely helpless situation without any rights or alternative choices whatsoever. The humble person recognizes that he or she has at least one option even if it is merely a change of attitude on their part. The humble person has the ability to recognize that there is always a possibility to gain a valuable lesson from the experience. They are willing to at least take a “wait and see” attitude toward their adverse condition before passing judgment on their situation.
In addition to the psychological differences between these two words there is a spiritual connotation to the word humility that its near cousin, humiliation, never benefits from. Humility contains within it a seed of positive potential that can turn it around into a growth opportunity for the person. The Chinese use the same word for disaster as they do for opportunity because they see the loss of one man’s business as the growing market for the entrepreneur. A typhoon or tsunami wipes an area clean of exiting businesses and allows entrepreneurs to come in and operate with little or no competition. In the ancient Greek language the same word used for meek (synonymous with humility) was also used for clean or cleansing. It is no stretch to see a similar meaning to the common phrase “no pain, no gain”.
Bodybuilders are not generally know for their humility but when they are working-out they see the truth about themselves, their body and the their potential to gain from a seemingly painful experience. They know the secret to fatiguing a muscle to the point of failure is to work it until they experience the pain. That is; working it to the point that it breaks down and is forced to rebuild itself. A muscle that has broken down spreads apart and opens up new pathways to let blood circulate through the middle of it. It then gains new nutrients in its interior and reassembles itself in such a way that it has fortified itself. The body-builders temporary sacrifice ends up gaining them muscles that are bigger, better and stronger than before, provided that the bodybuilder is humble enough to have the patience to allow the muscle time to heal properly. Delayed gratification is also a form of humility. Some would call this behavior masochistic but it is true humility in the sense that the athlete can see “Without pain there is no gain”.
In the philosophical context, humility is synonymous with teach-ability. The old adage, “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” is commonly used among Doctors, Psychiatrists and Psychologists. So much so, that it is a rule of thumb in some circles. The exception to this rule is humility. It is easy to see why the Romans saw meekness as having a cleansing effect on the human soul. It, in effect, turned meekness into a “Tabula Rasa” (clean slate) allowing new knowledge to be written on the blackboard of the soul.
Another big advantage for those in recovery is that humility serves as an instrument for seeing through the ego’s attempt to deny the severity of the sufferer’s addiction. No matter how much one suffers as the result of addictive behavior, pride will always grow back, not unlike a weed, and attempt to cover up the damage with denial. Humility serves as the perfect gardening tool for this relentless emotional weed by pruning pride and allowing the truth to show through about this disease.
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