Death and Life...In That Order

I've been very busy in my life recently, but in recent weeks, I've had three experiences with people dying: and all three were alcoholics:

1. The first was a old man, 41 years sober, who took his own life about 5 weeks ago.

2. The second was a young man, somewhere in his first 30 days (again), who took his own life yesterday.

3. The third was a brother of a new friend of who just recently celebrated 25 years sober. This friend just went back to his family home on the East coast to be with his brother who was in the last stages of dying a painful death as a result of his late stage and untreated (as far as I know)alcoholism.

Lots of death. All sorts of feelings and thoughts associated with each of these deaths. Essentially, all of them boil down to a deep sadness.

The first guy appeared to me to be a very very unhappy and lonely man, despite a long string of years of sobriety and active membership in AA. This came out in frequent fits of anger. Didn't seem to have a close friend. Fairly long string of failed relationships with women. I don't know his story and don't in any way mean to be judging him good or bad. Just what I saw over the last 7 years or so.

The second guy is the one whose death brought up the most sadness in me: he'd been struggling for quite a few years to get sober and had many issues in addition to his problem with alcohol/drugs. But he was trying with all his might to get and stay sober. I didn't know him well at all, just a few interactions within the meeting rooms in Sacramento where I work, but I didn't really know him well at all. Last time I saw him was at last Wednesday's noon meeting, the same meeting where his sponsor announced earlier today that one of our members had taken his own life yesterday. I quickly remembered back to last Wednesday and how depressed this guy had seemed that day: he was clearly anxious, had to get up and leave the meeting several times to go wash off his face or just walk off some of the anxiety that he was feeling: and then he'd return to his seat. He didn't talk that day. I remember noticing him and his heightened state of anxiety. But I got distracted by someone else's share that day and I made the decision to stay after and talk to that guy rather than Mike. Never saw him again and didn't think anything of it until today.

The third guy is someone I know only through this new friend who recently shared with me a brief history of what was going on with his brother back East who was dying of his alcoholism. He shared that with me a little over a week ago, just as he was heading off to go be with his brother and his family. I learned from a mutual friend today that Chris' brother had died this week and that Chris had been there for the death and was now having to deal not only with his brother's death but also with a rather crazy family going through the process of dealing with a son/brother's death. Hard enough to deal with death when every one's sane: can't imagine the pain of having to go through that with the pain getting mixed in with all sorts of religious craziness and platitudes (e.g., it was God's will, he's in a better place, etc.). Few, if any, actually dealing honestly and openly with the deep sadness and loss.

That's sort of what I'm beginning to go through I suppose. Feelings of sadness. Loss. In the case of Mike, the second guy I have talked about, I've been mostly going through a process where I look back at my words, my actions, my silence and my non-action: what did I say to help him, what did I do to help him, what did I keep to myself, what did I fail to do? I talked a little bit about this at the noon meeting today and there was one guy who seemed to be subtly counselling me (you know, through the subtle cross-talk that we oftentimes do in meetings, where we comment on what someone else has said without really talking directly to them...but we are) not to go through this second guessing process: According to him, I'm not responsible for this guy's decision to kill himself (which of course is true), nor am I responsible for his drinking or his sobriety (also true) and that there was nothing I could have done or said that would have made a difference in the end result. And it's that last message that I just can't accept without going through a careful self-assessment.

My sponsor once told me a story about a guy, years ago, who came into the rooms of AA trying to get sober, but over a 10 to 15 year period he was never able to get much time. He kept going out. But he kept coming back eventually and both Dave and his sponsor, Earle, kept trying to do anything they could to try and help this guy get sober. Eventually, the guy ended up committing suicide. Dave and Earle drove to Berkeley to attend the funeral/memorial and while they were there, the guy's wife came over to them and said, "You must be Dave and you must be Earle. I just wanted to come over and tell you that my husband talked most fondly of both of you and how much you both did to try and help him deal with his alcoholism. You guys never gave up on him and that meant a lot to him and to me." When they were driving home from the funeral, Dave looked over at Earle and noticed him deep in thought and shaking his head slowly back and forth. Earle then said, somewhat to himself, "I was always trying to find the right words to help him... And I never was able to find them."

While I'm not done going through this process of grieving for these three guys, ultimately, I know that I'll end up in the same place: "I was always trying to find the right words to help them. And I was not able to find them before their death."

"I am responsible. When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA always to be there. And for that: I am responsible."

I've never really felt comfortable with the Responsibility Declaration (sometimes referred to as the AA Grapevine's Statement of Purpose), but now I think I am comfortable with it. It doesn't start off by saying, "I am guilty..." No, it says that I am responsible. For what I say, what I don't say, what I do and what I don't do....in terms of helping others. I can own all of this. I can grow from my mistakes and failures. I can choose life.

I can choose life. Strange that I come to realize that truth more fully only after having had experienced three separate and powerful encounters with dying and death.

I read somewhere, wish I could remember where, that someone said that most of us go through our entire lives fearing death....when in fact what we should really be fearing is dying without ever having lived. Living life fully seems more important to me now. How often I get distracted by the details of life such that I start "surviving" and forget "living".

Feel better now. Want to see if I can get up to Sacramento on Saturday to attend Mike's funeral. See if I can be of any comfort to his family or to others.

Take care!

Mike L.

My Name is Winnie the P., And I Am An Alcoholic

I was reading a great book while I was on vacation, called The Dark Night of Recovery by Edward Bear and in it the sponsor (wrinkled and crotchety 30 year sober guy) recommends four books for the new sponsee (15 years sober, dry as a stick attorney): The Big Book, the 12x12, a book on Winnie the Pooh and The I Ching. I couldn't find the book on Winnie the Pooh at the eclectic book store near where we were staying, but I did find a great book called the The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff which was more than sufficed for my purposes. The sponsor in the Dark Night book would give reading assignments to this guy, Big Brain that he was, and have him report back in two weeks with a report on how these readings helped him understand the step they were working on... Fascinating book.

As I read The Tao of Pooh with the hope of finding more 1st step wisdom, I came across a song/poem of Winnie the Pooh's (original author was A.A. Milne...how serendipity is that?!) called "Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston Pie". According to the author of the Tao of Pooh, this poem captures the essence of Taoism in that it basically is saying that we are already perfect just as we are, we don't need to change anything. In his view, one could replace the "Cottleston" verse with "Inner Nature" or "what is, what is".

Anyway, as I'm apt to do, I decided to memorize the Cottleston rhyme two days ago and after saying it over and over again the last two days, I began to understand the truth hidden deep within it and how much it spoke to me about my recovery and my alcoholism. Especially my 1st Step and how I got sober and how I've been able to stay sober. Yesterday, I started trying to take this rhyme and revise it in such a way that it spoke more clearly of my own truth and within a few attempts I was able to come up with my own version of the Cottleston rhyme that speaks more truthfully of my own experience of getting and staying sober. It's an AA poem of sorts: I say that because 2/3s of it are stolen from someone else's spiritual writings. True AA.

My name is Winnie the Pooh, and I am an alcoholic.

Coddleston, Coddleston, Coddleston Pie
A fly can't bird, but a bird can fly
Ask me a riddle and I reply
Coddleston, Coddleston, Coddleston Pie

Coddleston, Coddleston, Coddleston Pie
A fish can't whistle, neither can I.
Ask me a riddle and I reply
Coddleston, Coddleston, Coddleston Pie

Coddleston, Coddleston, Coddleston Pie
Why does a chicken... I don'know why!
Ask me a riddle and I reply
Coddleston, Coddleston, Coddleston Pie
　
It is or it isn't; I am or I amn't
A drink can't drunk, but a drunk can sober.
Ask me a riddle and I reply
It is or it isn't; I am or I amn't

It is or it isn't; I am or I amn't
A drunk can't drink, and neither can I!
Ask me a riddle and I reply
It is or it isn't; I am or I amn't

It is or it isn't; I am or I amn't
Why does an alcoholic...i don't know why!
Ask me a riddle and I reply
It is or it isn't; I am or I amn't

Coddleston, Coddleston, Coddleston Pie
A fly can't bird, but a bird can fly
Ask me a riddle and I reply
Coddleston, Coddleston, Coddleston Pie

Coddleston, Coddleston, Coddleston Pie
A fish can't whistle, neither can I.
Ask me a riddle and I reply
Coddleston, Coddleston, Coddleston Pie

Coddleston, Coddleston, Coddleston Pie
Why does a chicken... I don'know why!
Ask me a riddle and I reply
Coddleston, Coddleston, Coddleston Pie

My name is Winnie the Pooh, and I am an alcoholic.

Take Care!

Mike L.

So, What Do You Mean By That?

Last week my son taught me something that I think I'm going to have a hard time learning. When someone says something that I strongly disagree with, he suggests that rather than arguing with them or trying to convince them of the incorrectness of their view (or the correctness of my own) that I simply ask them, "So, what do you mean by that?"

I can't remember what it is I was recounting to my son, but when I had explained what had happened and how poorly my own response had worked, I was stunned by the wisdom of his simple approach. Rather than argue, just ask them what they mean? Word by word if necessary.

Recently, I have gotten embroiled in a testosterone laced argument with another recovery blogger over the issue of whether alcoholism is a disease or a choice. I grabbed on to the word "disease" and he grabbed on to the word "choice" and we started beating each other over the head with our words, getting absolutely nowhere.

In one of our exchanges, he stated that the only thing he and I agreed with is that alcoholism is an allergy. I glossed over that statement until this morning when I realized that I'm not at all clear what the distinction is between something being an allergy but not a disease. I've always considered allergy to be a type or example of a disease. That is, an alcohol allergy is a type of disease.

I guess I should follow my son's advice and ask this guy, "So, what do you mean by disease?" How can alcoholism not be a disease but still be an allergy? And, what do you mean by alcoholism being a "choice"? What choice does the alcoholic have? Drink? Not drink? Can an alcoholic choose to drink "like" a non-alcoholic?

I hate it when my son forgets his role as student and becomes better teacher than dad.

Take care! I've got to go back to school.

Mike L.

Just in Case You Didn't Know...

I really do love Alcoholics Anonymous. I really do.

I was reading another recovery blog yesterday and it contained a long diatribe against the "disease concept" of alcoholism and interwoven into the argument were constant negative shots against AA. I am very aware of the ongoing dispute between those who believe alcoholism is a "disease" and those for whom this is a "choice". But what struck me was that the author was so adamant in his dislike of AA. There was nothing good in it and nothing good has come from it.

I then looked at my own blog, especially my recent "dumbest things heard in AA meeting" blogs and realized that I might be coming across in the same way. I do love AA no matter how much I might want to distance myself from some of those who understand AA to be something far different than it is for me. But you see, that's why I love AA so much. It allows me to continue being a full fledged member while I speak up against some of what I consider to be distortions in how it's being played out by other members. I really think this is the first group where I might be able to stay!

One thing that the article's author said of AA is that it has certain "dogma" that members must believe. While I know that there may be certain beliefs that some members or groups would be unanimous in supporting or disputing, the fact is that there are no dogmas in AA. There's nothing you can believe that would get you excommunicated from AA. Nothing. Worse case is that a particular group might vote you out of their meeting, but there's nothing keeping you from going to another meeting or, for that matter, starting another meeting on your own. All you need to do is find another suffering alcoholic with a desire to stop drinking --- and with enough patience to deal with your bullshit. I suspect that you'll need to lay down your sword in terms of whatever burr you have up your saddle long enough to reach out to this other alcoholic who is struggling with the life and death issue of how to stop drinking. But that will be within your reach if you want to do it.

I've belonged to organizations which have dogmas and they've never gone over well with me. AA's the first organization which seems to have a unlimited level of tolerance for those with different beliefs and/or ways of seeing things. While most members of AA will probably side with the "disease" concept, I'm sure that there will be a significant number who would love to sit down with other alcoholics who have come to an opposite conclusion on this matter. Me for example.

I certainly see where the disease argument can be misused to escape personal responsibility for our actions. While I personally don't think I chose to be an alcoholic, I did freely choose to drink alcohol. At some point, I think that my freedom to choose to drink started to diminish due to the disease of alcoholism: that is, my body was reacting differently to alcohol than the body of a non-alcoholic. That said, I can still agree with the "choice" view of things: I was choosing to drink even though I had the disease of alcoholism. For me, it was more of an issue of "diminished capacity" to make a free choice.

Anyway, I wanted to clarify where I stand with AA today. My blog has been a safe place for me to talk about some things that bother me about AA or about other AAers --- but nothing I've said here in cyberspace is something that I haven't already said in AA meetings. And in most all of the meetings I go into, I feel like Norm walking into Cheers. I'm welcomed.

I go to a large number of meetings each week and in addition to those which I consider my "home groups" I also go to meetings where I'm not known or to meetings where I'm sure to disagree with the general outlook of those present. I like going into such meetings, not to be disagreeable (there's really no point in doing that!) but to feel apart of that fellowship, to listen to other views, to find tolerance and acceptance within myself and within others. But mostly, because I'm in need of being around other suffering alcoholics.

And I've found that there's a very high probability of finding such suffering alcoholics in AA meetings. Haven't found one yet without at least one other suffering alcoholic.

So, if I haven't said it often enough: thank you Bill and Dr. Bob! The miracle that happened around that kitchen table has continued to grow and multiply and it's in large part due to the basic guidelines you two fashioned way back when.

Take care.

Mike L.

Yet Another Dumbest Thing I've Heard in a AA Meeting

I guess this is becoming something of an ongoing series, Dumbest Things I've Heard in AA Meetings. This will be volume 3 or the 15th Dumbest Thing: I Finally Got Tired of Working "My Program" and Started Working "The Program" (as found in the 1st 164 pages of the Book) of Alcoholics Anonymous. Once someone makes this statement, either about themselves or about someone else (e.g., are you tired of working "your program" yet? If so, maybe you'd like to try "the program of AA"?) they then point out the specifics of "the program" which will usually be something along these lines: work the steps, get a sponsor, get a higher power and get into service. Well, if that's the program as defined in the 1st 164 pages, then we'll need to take out the "get a sponsor" piece of the program because the word "sponsor" or "sponsorship" isn't to be found in the 1st 164 pages. So much for "The Program".

The idea that there is a single and narrowly defined program of AA irks me no end and seems go against the very foundations of what Bill, Dr. Bob and the early members of AA discovered to work. It's clear to me (I suppose as clear as the opposite view is to those who disagree with me) that the program that's outlined in the book is very generalized and designed to be customized by each person who decides to try it out.

As an organization, we've had no reticence in letting other 12 step fellowships take these steps and use them in other non-alcoholic contexts. Take 'em! Use them in any way that you find works for you! And isn't it strange that this dogmatic view of AA is not found in any official AA literature? Why's this narrow view of AA's program limited only to stories about single individuals and what they said to someone sometime?

In fact, I most recently read about an instance of this happening when someone who follows this blog went to her 2nd meeting and was approached by an oldtimer who asked her if she was tired of working "her program"? What was strange to me is that except for that one idiot, this woman heard all sorts of good and encouraging things said at that meeting: but it seems all she walked away with was the narrowness of this one guy's view and how uncomfortable it made her feel. She'd almost completely forgotten all the good things she had heard in that same meeting.

Find out what works for you and what does not. We can't tell you what to do because (1) that doesn't seem to work for people like us (and we are all about effectiveness!) and (2) we aren't you and what works for any one of us might get you drunk! All I can tell you is what has (and hasn't) worked for me. All "we" can tell you is what has worked for many of us --- but that's not to say that it will work for you. But it might. And you might want to give this a shot if what you've been trying hasn't been working for you. We've got lots of suggestions, so if one thing doesn't work, keep listening and you may hear someone tell your story and it might include some other tool that will work for you.

Or, think completely outside of the box: that's what Bill and Dr. Bob did. And that's what they suggested that others do on page 164: "Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us." Why is it that we're afraid to admit that we know only a little? That new things might be disclosed to us and others? Or even that old things might actually work (or not work)? We're a fearful lot.

Thank God we don't have to do this alone. Or perfectly. Or the exact way that others do it.

Find your program. Find your Truth. I think that you'll find that most of us a sitting here cheering you on and hoping that you find something that works for you and that when you do find something that does work, that you'll share it with us so that we might give it a shot ourselves. So go ahead and think outside the box. And don't be afraid of thinking in the box either. Who knows, it (whatever that is) might very well work. Even though "sponsor" is not in the first 164 pages, it has been something that has been helpful to me.

Take care!

Mike L.

The Steps' Hidden Principles: An Addendum

Several weeks ago, I wrote a blog called "The Steps Hidden Principles" (http://mikelrecovery.blogspot.com/2009/06/steps-hidden-principles.html) and I received an anonymous comment stating:

"Where as (sic) I think some of your thoughts are some what poetic with regards to a mystical "interpretation" to the term ..." practice these principals... (sic) " they are not accurate. Bill did not like to repeat himself by using the same word to describe something over and over again. He would substitute another word. If you read the steps carefully by the time you get to step twelve the "principals" (sic) are the twelve steps in their entirety. In other parts of the book the term is used differently. I do thank you for your spiritual insight and understanding."

What struck me most about the comment was that it spoke with some sort of authority: specifically when the author claimed that my interpretation of the Book was inaccurate. I have to admit, that got my adrenaline pumping. I immediately started fashioning an argument in rebuttal, but then I realized that I don't have any more authority than this anonymous person making the comment. I have reassessed my interpretation, carefully re-read the Steps as they are summarized in How It Works, and have decided to stick with my original interpretation.

While I am fully aware of Bill's various writing quirks, including the frequent use of a Thesaurus to find synonyms (e.g., "defects of character" and then "shortcomings"), it's my belief that in the case of his use of the words "steps" and "principles" this was not one of those instances. Unlike Defects and Shortcomings, Steps and Principles simply aren't synonyms. They don't mean the same thing. Steps are more time-based and linear (do this, then that...); Principles are more mystical and timeless (truths). (NOTE to "Anonymous": maybe that's why my writing on this issue seems so "mystical" and maybe even uncomfortable to you?)

As I see it, the steps outline a process of recovery from the disease of alcoholism. They seem to be capable of being done in time, one after another (or maybe not in order). In my personal experience, what happened as I went through each step in the process, I discovered various truths about life and others, but most importantly, truths about myself. It's these truths that I consider to be the principles hidden in these steps.

But as I noted elsewhere, when we share these steps with others, we share them as "reports of action taken rather than as commandments to be followed" (A Member's Eye View of AA). So if Anonymous and all of the other members of AA want to consider Steps = Principles, that's perfectly OK with me. I don't feel isolated at all because I'm not alone. I'm with others who have differing opinions than me.

I'm fond of saying that while the 10th Tradition asserts that AA has no opinion about outside issues, the truth of the matter is that in regards to inside issues, all the members have is opinions. There are no doctrines for which we would have to expel or excommunicate should someone disagree with such strongly held beliefs. There really is no authority in AA other than "whatever works for you." To test this theory: disagree with it. Aren't we both still full fledged members of AA? Is there really any belief that rises to the level that should someone disagree with it, they'd involuntarily outside of the fellowship of AA? I think not.

Take care!

Mike L.

Two 12 Step Calls: Two Ends of the Spectrum

In the last couple of days, I had the opportunity to help two suffering alcoholics: one who was trying to get sober and the other trying to die sober. When Bill writes in the 12x12 about the 12th Step, he states in the first paragraph that the "theme of the 12th step is the joy of living". And then in the last paragraph of that chapter, he states that "the joy of good living is theme of the 12th step." (emphasis added.) I have always been struck how most people, when asked to talk about the 12th step, normally talk about what they've done or are doing to carry the AA message to suffering alcoholics. Few seem to talk about this "joy of living" --- and I've never heard anyone talk about the "joy of good living". But after these two recent 12 step encounters, I want to talk about the joy of good living that I am experiencing. I'm not sure what color this cloud is, but it's wonder-full.

As I mentioned in a recent blog, I ran into a friend this last Saturday who's been coming to AA for about 4 1/2 years but not able to get more than 10 months continuous sobriety during that period of time. When he sat next to me at the meeting Saturday, he told me right away that he'd had another relapse and consistent with all his relapses in the last 4 1/2 years, he ended up in the Emergency Room. After that meeting, he and I kept running into each other at different places in town: the car wash and later at a oil change station. I was trying to be as helpful to him as I could, but wasn't never quite sure what the right words were to help him. He already had a sponsor (one that he's had for the last 4 1/2 years and one that is pretty well respected in the AA community) and I was hesitant to do or say anything that would get inbetween the two of them or to give him the impression that I was wanting to be his sponsor. It was quite perplexing for me because inside, my judgment was telling me that (1) his relationship with his current sponsor didn't appear to be working and (2) that I really did believe that I'd be a good and helpful sponsor for him. He trusted me from almost our first meeting about 4 years ago.

Anyway, I got a call from him Tuesday night and he told me that he was in trouble and needed help. He "confessed" that he'd been lying to me as to his current sobriety date and that he'd continued to drink since being released from the hospital about 10 days ago. But the immediate trouble he was worried about was that his wife was coming over to see him that evening and he had the uneasy feeling that she was bringing bad news. He asked me to come over and be there for support. He understood perfectly why she would and should give up on him --- but he wasn't sure he could survive the blow, with or without alcohol. He'd already asked his wife if she would mind my being there --- she welcomed my attendance as she'd heard about me from her husband over the last couple of years. She apparently didn't get along well with her husband's current sponsor and thought I might be helpful.

I don't want to go into the detail here, but suffice it to say I talked a lot, mostly to him but also to his wife --- he listened, she kept nodding her head in agreement. And then I saw a mental shift happen: there was a moment where the who tone and direction of the evening shifted away from him "trying to stop drinking...again" toward a willingness to "stop stopping" and then to trying "to stay sober". When that happened, I told him what I saw and he agreed. We made a plan for staying sober the rest of that evening and the following morning. Today he's well into his second day of sobriety.

The following day, I drove to Sacramento where I work and then went to a noon meeting. At the meeting, I realized that it was July and that an old timer that I'd come to know up there was soon going to be celebrating 45 years sober. Fred is a cantankerous old fart who got sober on July 5, 1964. I'd call him an ex-Marine only to see him go into attack mode. He'd moved to Sacramento about 4 years ago -- and he was mad as hell that his wife (10 years less sober than he) made him leave San Antonio so that she could be closer to her children. Hell, we didn't do AA right!

I quickly befriended him. This was shortly after Dr. Earle's death and somehow being helpful to this 91 year old man was therapeutic for me, I think even more therapeutic than it was for him. It was probably a toss up. We became close. He jokingly referred to me and another relative newcomer, Eric (note: Fred thought anyone with less than 20 years sobriety was a newcomer...) as his "sponsors" because we were always correcting him (my god, he could never get his number of years sober right! I was always having to correct him, No, Fred, you don't have 42 years yet....you have 41. That would piss him off and he'd reach in his pocket for his chip and shove it toward me arguing that he really was 42 years. But the chip was on my side. It became a running joke in the meetings and I slowly fell in love with him in a way similar to the way I'd fallen, albeit more instantaneous, in love with Earle.

About a year and a half ago, Fred's wife had to place Fred in a skilled nursing facility which specializes in patients with Alzheimer's....which was Fred had. That was why he was forgetting his sobriety date. I hadn't seen Fred since and felt tremendous guilt over that. I talked to Eric and we decided to make a road trip down to see Fred. We would take him a 45 year chip and hope that he remembered that he was still an alcoholic and, with some minimal hope that he would remember either of us.

Well, we walked into his room and he was sitting on his bed waiting to see who his visitors were... They had prepared him for us coming, but they didn't know anything about us other than we were friends of Fred. Well, he looked up at us standing at the door and his face lit up like a Christmas tree!! Oh my God, I thought you two were dead! Truth be told, at that point, I wasn't sure if he really recognized us or not: maybe we were Marine buddies of his for all I knew. But it became clear in moments that he did know who we were and that we'd lifted him out of some darkness and loneliness. We gave him his birthday card with the chip and he felt it and looked at us and said, what's inside the card? Condoms? I told him that there had been but they removed them at the security gate because they were embarrassingly too small.

When he saw the chip, he almost betrayed the Marine Corps and cried like a baby. And so did I. We reminisced for awhile. He mentioned his favorite prayers, The Lord's Prayer and the 23rd Psalm. I asked if he remembered the meeting where I told people about his love for the 23rd Psalm and that he and I then began reciting the 23rd Psalm together for the whole group. Well, he remembered and then he and I began reciting it again sitting there in his room on Thursday. So much for memory loss.

I've been walking around on a cloud, not sure what color and don't care, for the last couple of days. I think I've discovered the path to a life of Joy. A joyful path to a life of good living. It's being true to one's self and helping others. Especially other suffering alcoholics.

Take care!

Mike