Last week my son taught me something that I think I'm going to have a hard time learning. When someone says something that I strongly disagree with, he suggests that rather than arguing with them or trying to convince them of the incorrectness of their view (or the correctness of my own) that I simply ask them, "So, what do you mean by that?"
I can't remember what it is I was recounting to my son, but when I had explained what had happened and how poorly my own response had worked, I was stunned by the wisdom of his simple approach. Rather than argue, just ask them what they mean? Word by word if necessary.
Recently, I have gotten embroiled in a testosterone laced argument with another recovery blogger over the issue of whether alcoholism is a disease or a choice. I grabbed on to the word "disease" and he grabbed on to the word "choice" and we started beating each other over the head with our words, getting absolutely nowhere.
In one of our exchanges, he stated that the only thing he and I agreed with is that alcoholism is an allergy. I glossed over that statement until this morning when I realized that I'm not at all clear what the distinction is between something being an allergy but not a disease. I've always considered allergy to be a type or example of a disease. That is, an alcohol allergy is a type of disease.
I guess I should follow my son's advice and ask this guy, "So, what do you mean by disease?" How can alcoholism not be a disease but still be an allergy? And, what do you mean by alcoholism being a "choice"? What choice does the alcoholic have? Drink? Not drink? Can an alcoholic choose to drink "like" a non-alcoholic?
I hate it when my son forgets his role as student and becomes better teacher than dad.
Take care! I've got to go back to school.
Mike L.
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5 comments:
yeh questioning like thats very handy. i frequently have to ask people what they mean by things, as either the terms they use are too vague, or to find out if I have misunderstood what they said. it is very interesting how people manage to misunderstand each other just because we adopt a certain terminology which we have personal (but unstated) definitions for.
us alkys love a good argument though! i stay away if i think someone has the a*se with me as its too much bother. besides, the really crazy ones are itching for an argument anyway, so i dont want to give them the pleasure of getting one.
There will always be people with chips on their shoulders or people who make a problem out of a difference of opinion. i try not to get sucked in to their drama, but it isnt always easy so you have my sympathy in that regard :)
wouldnt it be ! lovely if we could disagree, and not make a problem out of it? some aa's can, but most are not so good. oh well. well good luck with yours! I have to deal with the occasional ? frothy type as well if thats any consolation.. :)
Hi Mike:
I also LOVE AA, and thought I'd stop by and say hello. I was not always an alcoholic. I used to be able to choose...but I lost the ability to choose.
Alcoholism is a progressive and fatal disease. The progression is what separates it from a choice. I believed it was choice also, until I couldn't stop.
My favorite response to someone who is wrong is.."You could be right". Nice to meet you...I'll come back and visit again!
Good advice. Words are powerful. It's worth taking the time to clarify every word if necessary. Smart kid!
I must say, I'm not quite sure that I believe alcoholism is a disease, but I guess it depends on what your definition of disease is. It is an addiction, obviously. So how is it different from any other drug? My partner has an obsession with coffee and chocolate that I simply don't have. Does she have a "disease?" I can take or leave chocolate and coffee. I actually don't really like chocolate, so to be fair lets stick with coffee. I drink coffee regularly, but I can also not drink coffee. She drinks coffee regularly and to stop she has to make a concerted effort, she has headaches. When she's not drinking coffee, she wishes she could. Does she have an allergy to coffee? I don't know.
Although maybe this is not technically correct, I tend to treat "disease" and "addiction" as equals. Which might be part of the problem with different people having problems with the use of the word "disease" or "addiction".
One key aspect, for me at least, of the disease (or addiction) of alcoholism is that it is "progressive" in nature: it gets worse as you continue to use it.
As to the comparisons to other substances, I suppose there are comparisons to be made, but I've never heard of anyone getting arrested or losing their job because of their addiction to coffee (caffine) or chocolate (think this contains some very mild version of coccaine, but I'm not at all sure...) or cigarettes (nicotine) surely all three have the components necessary for a drug addiction. And I know that there's a addictive side to my own use of coffee (2-3 cups of decaf on weekday...) and chocolate (1x day), but both seem tame in comparison to what alcohol was doing to me and those around me.
Your friend may have a problem with coffee, but that's really outside of my scope here on this blog... The fact that she appears to have some sort of withdrawal symptom (headaches) when she cuts herself off makes me think that she might want to wean herself off of coffee, or at least switch to decaf. That has the appearance of an addiction, but not an allergy. But then, I'm not a doctor.
Take care!
Mike L.
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