Attitude of Gratitude

I've got several of my sponsees working on a common assignment (I'm not an assignment kind of sponsor --- but for some reason, each of them seemed to be asking for an assignment and I came up with this....) and I realized today that today, more than ever, I needed to practice my own counsel. These guys have been making daily gratitude lists which are a little different than what most people do with these lists. Because of some things I learned from Earle early on in my recovery, I've adapted the typical daily list of things you feel grateful for by adding a little addendum of resentments. Another unusual thing about this assignment is that I setup a private blog space for each of them to write these gratitude lists: each blog site is tightly secured so that only the two of us have access to their blog and only the two of us can post things to those blog sites. [Quick aside: This use of a blog site is a great tool for increasing my ability to communicate with my sponsees and for them to communicate with me.... When they post a message to their blog, I get notified by email and the same happens when I post something to their site. It's been great...]

What I've asked these guys to do is make a daily list of at least 10 things that they feel grateful for in their lives. They can list more than 10 if they like, but they need to try to come up with at least 10. In addition, I ask them to list 3 to 5 things that they simply do not feel grateful for --- in fact, they may be things they adamantly regret or resent. The only restriction on these items is that they can only be very brief statements (no more than a line or so) and they must all end with a period. What I'm wanting is for them to document their resentments or regrets by writing them down very briefly. I know these resentments are there, so we might as well write them down. Just a short phrase which will remind them later on about what they wish didn't or wasn't happening in their lives. Write one down quickly and put a period after it. Write a second one down quickly and put a period after it. At least 3 of these and no more than 5.

No one ever told me to do a gratitude list this way. I just made it up because it seemed to embody the truth/wisdom that Earle passed on to me: that is, every thing's perfect just the way it is, we don't need to change anything. Also, there's no such thing as a "bad" feeling or "bad" circumstance: whatever's happened is just the way it's supposed to be. And the kicker: were it not for all the so-called "bad" things, I wouldn't be where I am right now. Were it not for all the so-called "bad" things in the past, I wouldn't have most all of the things that I actually feel grateful for today.

For Earle, gratitude was not a feeling: it was an attitude. A habit which many many people in recovery over the last 70+ years have found very helpful in their staying sober and finding some semblance of peace, serenity, happiness and joy.

1. I'm grateful for my sobriety today.
2. I'm grateful for my wife of 28+ years, especially for the last 7 years where things have seemed to blossom between us (sure it's a pure coincidence that I'm 7+ years sober now...).
3. I'm grateful for each of my children.
4. I'm grateful for my daughter asking me to go with her to see Robin Williams do a comedy show in Mill Valley Weds night: it was a continuation of my living amends with her.
5. I'm grateful for Matt trusting me enough to tell me the truth about his day count and to resume our journey of recovery together.
6. I'm grateful for a stranger coming up to me after the meeting tonight and asking me if I would sponsor him: we'd met about a year ago, but he went out and is just now coming back into the program after a DUI last weekend (he's scared and desperate). I'm honored beyond words.
7. I'm grateful for my job and the wonderful and skilled team of folks that work for me and give me the freedom and flexibility in my schedule to squeeze in what I really love to do into my busy work days.
8. I'm grateful for all three of my sponsors, especially the dead one.
9. I'm grateful for this weird organization called AA: it's probably the only organization I could belong to without a resentment or anxiety or fear of judgment or condemnation.
10. I'm grateful for this blog and all of the amazing folks I'm come to know and love as a result of this endeavor to expand my program into a new arena.

Now, the things I'm not so damn grateful for today:

1. That Mike H. took his life a few weeks ago: I had tears come to my eyes this morning at his funeral when I saw his mother standing near his ashes.
2. That the last time I saw Mike H. I didn't sense the deep level of anxiety within him, nor did I go up to him after that Weds meeting and give him a hug.
3. That Earle's not here with me now so that I can talk through these feelings of sadness and regret with him.

The attitude of gratitude is not for the faint of heart or the half measures sort of folks. It's for those who commit themselves to the no bullshit program of Alcoholics Anonymous. It takes work each day. There are no days off. There's no "fake it til you make it" escape measures. It's life head on and face to face. It's writing stuff down so that you can go back to it later on and start putting the pieces together.

I am confident that I will be able to go back to this list sometime in the not too distant future and discovery that they three regrets will have led to some new deepening of my own compassion for others and myself, some new heightened sensitivity for the pain and suffering within someone who crosses my path, whether that be within the context of a meeting or elsewhere.

I know that because there were regrets in my not too distant past which are now appearing on my list of things that I do feel grateful for today: (1) I used to regret that I was an alcoholic (none of the ten items above would be on that list were I not an alcoholic then and today); (2) I used to regret that I was married and that I had children --- they were expecting too much from me and I was feeling more and more the total and absolute failure as husband and father (now, I can't imagine life without my wife or my grown and wonderful children). I could go on forever.

But my day's at an end and I'm wiped out. This was a long, full day. But I couldn't end it without going through this gratitude list process.

Take care!

Mike L.