Sponsoring Others: When Do I Stop Raising My Hand?

In some meetings, there's a tradition where they ask for anyone who's willing to be a sponsor or even a temporary sponsor to raise their hands. It's done to help the newcomer, or someone who's looking for a sponsor regardless of the time sober, find a sponsor. Recently, I've been feeling somewhat conflicted about raising my hands because I'm concerned that I am overextending myself or developing a Messiah complex (trying to save the world).

I've never asked someone if they wanted a sponsor. During the first three and a half years of sobriety, I did have several people come up to me after meetings, most frequently when I had told my story at the meeting, and talk to me about my becoming their sponsor: I always gave them my phone number/email address, but none of them ever called me back. It was only when I finally came to a point when I knew that I was done with working the Steps that someone actually came up to me and asked me to be his sponsor that the guy actually followed up on that request and called me and met with me. He's still my sponsee today and he's close to celebrating 4 years of sobriety.

Now after almost 8 years of recovery, I have about 10 sponsees: each of them very different in all respects. I think the only thing they all have in common is that they see something in me that's attractive to them and that they seem to be getting something out of our bi-weekly get together over coffee or dinner or just sitting outside a meeting to talk. My strategy of sponsorship has never been to focus solely or even primarily on working the Steps or reading the Big Book together. At first, I did just what had been done with me by my three primary sponsors: Dr. Earle, Dave and Russ. All three of them had the following approach when sponsoring me: they listened really well, they told great stories and they never (ever!) told me what to do or judged me.

The Steps really just sort of happened to me during my first 3 1/2 years of recovery: I went to a great Step meeting every Sunday morning for probably the first five years of my recovery, I read everything I could put my hands on (both AA approved and not) related to recovery (broadly defined). When I wondered about something in regards to any of the Steps or what I was hearing from others about any of the Steps, I talked to my sponsors about this and came to my own peace with each step. Each step was sort of like a pot of coffee: it started cooking at some point, usually "in order" (but not always) and then at some point later on, it was clear to me that the pot was done: the percolating had stopped and the pot/Step was done. I would then begin focusing my attention on the next step and it too would eventually happen.

When I was coming to the "done" part of the 12th Step, I was terrified of finishing it because I knew that completing the 12th step meant, so AA conventional wisdom held, that I would then need to begin sponsoring others. I didn't want to sponsor others: ever! I didn't want people coming to me, getting close to me, asking me for advice or input, expecting me to take them through the steps in some very specific way (like they may have heard everyone else talk about step work in meetings: it sometimes sounds like we all agree on how the steps should be worked and we pretend that there is only "one" way to do them! By the Book! What's that mean anyway? Don't get me started on the invisible "4th column" in the 4th step!). No, I'd taken care of myself, picked the best sponsors ever and well, they were free to go talk to Dave or Russ (or talk to the dead Earle if they so pleased---I do so they are free to do so also!).

But when Kim asked me to sponsor him, I simply couldn't say no. I told him that he was the first one to really be serious about this and that I was scared shitless at the prospect of sponsoring someone. That said, we moved forward and I told him that he was going to be much more the teacher than I was. Interestingly enough, he wanted to go through the Steps right away and wanted my help in doing that. It was clear that my approach of going through the steps was not going to be right for him. So we began going through the books (Big Book and 12x12) much like I hear everyone else talking about. I told him that I hadn't done it this way, so not to be surprised if it started to become clear to him that I was a complete failure as a sponsor. But we got through it together. He couldn't read very well and he was even worse at writing. But that didn't seem to bother either one of us: we adapted. His 4th step was a list of events in his life that he just jotted down enough information to remind him to talk to me more about this when we did the 5th step. When we did the 5th step, we just sat at his kitchen table and he told me the story of his life, particularly as it related to his love affair with alcohol and his life long fight not to be an alcoholic. He found relief when we stood up at the end and hugged. I still loved him.

None of my other sponsees have duplicated that process. Each one is different and my approach with each has been quite different. At least three of my sponsees (I really don't like that word by the way) have substantial amounts of sober time than I do -- one is close to 30 years. Three are in the early stages of their recovery, one is vigilantly working on completing this third day today (a week ago, I was thinking he was going to die...). The rest are somewhere in between.

It's only been in the last few months that I've started becoming a little more assertive with the newer guys: giving them writing and reading assignments, setting up secure blogsites where the two of us can communicate with each other and share our thoughts in a safe environment (only the two of us can access their recovery site). Part of that is because I am needing to be more efficient with my time, but also because I'm getting a better feel for what can be helpful to someone else when they are struggling with this disease or with related life issues.

So, how do I know when to stop raising my hand or to actually say "No" to a sponsorship request? So far, it's been simply a matter of do I have at least one hour of time every other week to meet with them. I go to so many meetings, that most often, I find a day/time that I would normally go to a meeting and I set that day/time aside for a particular sponsee. If they need more time, I see what I can do or I try to find someone else who might have more time to help this person.

My next fall back strategy is to begin to farm off these requests to one of my sponsees: I'll say that I can't sponsor them because of a lack of available time but that I will introduce them to some of my sponsees and see if any of them are a good fit for this deal.

So, for now, I think I'm going to keep raising my hand and making myself available. This sponsorship thing has been the most rewarding and transformative part of my recovery to date. I really don't see them as sponsees: I see them more as very close friends with whom I've structured some regular time together to talk about what's going on in our lives and our recovery.

Take care!

Mike L.